Cooper's Corner

Single Working Mom 0, Life 1

2012-02-10T19:53:00.003-05:00

Today was one of THOSE days. I HATE the "single working mom" card, truth be told I hate all the "cards". The "cancer" card, "poor card" etc. To me it's just a bad excuse, everyone has SOMETHING that is hard to them. BUT TODAY, I AM FRIED.

Work was bad, decisions are piling up left and right along with the bills, and working in a nursing home watching those you have grown to care for deteriorate is not any easier. Aunt Mary included, her eye was all scratched today from all her rubbing of her eyes and the blood red in the white part of her eye just turned my stomach today. EVERY where I turned, things stunk....LITERALLY! To tell you my boss got fired, there was discord among the CNAs and THEN a volunteer tone deaf karaoke old lady with a frightful wig came in and sung her heart out...TERRIBLY...doesn't give the day justice.

I am looking forward to the weekend, I need to sleep, I need down time. Some days I feel like life wins, like no matter what you try to do, life chews you up, spits you out and leaves you on the curb. So let me scrape myself off the curb, and try again tomorrow.

And I am blessed to know....this awaits me.... :)

Sweet Sixteen weekend part 1

2012-02-06T11:09:00.001-05:00

My beautiful niece Hope will turn 16 this month and I had so much the other weekend, doing photographs for her and letting the kids play before Cooper and I went to Julie's for Alexa's Baptism. I can't believe I met this sweet girl when she was barely 8 years old and she is turning into such an amazing girl.

Saturday night, Robin took us to John's Pass for pizza and mussels. We had a great time walking the shops, eating and pigging out at Kilwin's on Ice-cream and caramel apples.

I took so many pictures I am still going back and editing and looking at them...it was so much fun! This upcoming weekend we will all go to Disney for Hope's birthday so we are looking forward to another fun weekend :) In the meantime, I am working, cleaning my house out of junk I have been holding onto for too long and just plane relaxing when I can.

SUN day FUN day

2012-01-22T23:05:00.001-05:00

The weather this weekend was amazing. High in the low 70's, blue sky and cool breezes. I worked a bit on Saturday but got to do nothing but play with Cooper all day today.

And play we did!

Onward and Upward

2012-01-15T18:46:00.002-05:00

January has blown in this year with the winds of change chasing me.

I never mentioned it but I put the house on the rental market at the end of the year.With just a few bites and my impatience, I have now decided a more permanent solution is needed. The point of us moving was to downsize, save money, let me keep Cooper in private school and save for his college. Renting the house out to cover the mortgage would be a short term solution, but long term, I have no vision for. I don't "see myself" anywhere in a few years, I don't know what I want to do, but I know I need to get my "house" in order.

Lots of contemplation, and one phone call later, the house will go up for sale this week. I feel like onward and upward doesn't happen to those who are complacent. Change means leaving your comfort zone and if I am serious about building the life I really want, this house and the expenses of it are an anchor to my cruise ship I am trying to sail off into the sunset on. I turn 39 year this year, that's one year away from 40 and my big plans for a trip to Italy. I have a LIFE I want to live, and watching my hard earned money fly out for the mortgage, house maintenance, the pool etc....isn't where I want it to go.

I have put my heart into this house, but I know that holding on to this "past" is holding me back from my "future". I don't know what it holds, but I know I need to trust and let the winds take me where they may.

"The sooner we can let go of the past, the sooner we can get on with the “now”, our daily life. If we don’t let it go, it becomes a wall, a barrier, and it prevents us from the vibrancy, the aliveness, the glory that our life should be. "

The Circle of Life

2012-01-08T19:50:00.002-05:00

So I haven't posted about grief lately and to be honest, I just don't want to. I am OVER it. Tired of the grief, of the sadness of death and the fact that it never leaves me. I am sure you remember over the summer I blogged that my friend Jennifer was battling melanoma. I don't think I mentioned that she passed in October. It was just shy of a year to the day I took pictures of her...per her request before starting treatment again. I kinda spiraled into a depression again after that to be honest. A death for me brings it all up. And I mean ALL of it. We had a party for her in December (she left money for us to party after she was gone) and we did all the things she loved. We ate, drank, gossiped and drank some more. We wrote messages on balloons and released them, we had toasts and told stories. She would have found it cheesy....we needed something "memorial like" to do.

These things we do, they are for us anyway. We need to have something to signify that we are hurting, that our loved one mattered and that we need to honor them in some way.

I have found in my experience, losing friends, both Hope and Jennifer have impacted me differently than the loss of my dad and grandparents these past few years. Knowing someone my age is gone, my classmate, my contemporary, my confidant is gone...it changed me. It makes me feel like the rest of these days, since they passed, are like a bonus round that they never got.

So yesterday marked the 3rd year since Hope passed. Three years she never got, to see her boys grow, to help me go through divorce, parenthood, job changes and to help me plan my new-found future. A future that because she is gone, feels so EXTRA now. Like the wheel of fortune stopped spinning too early for her and now I better make my bonus round count. Sometimes its paralyzing, so much so that I just don't know what to do next.

Since January 7th this year fell on a Saturday, Jake and I decided we would take the boys to Animal Kingdom for the day. It was a nice way to remember Hope, an animal lover, avid conservationist, family girl.

But for me, it was time I felt like I got to spend with her through the boys.

For those of you that follow Jake's annoying banter, for the record, Cooper bought Jake a beer yesterday, so I don't want to hear anymore that "Ann-Marie has never bought me a drink in my life"...my boy Cooper is taking care of that now..Thankyouverymuch.

(Cooper carried his wallet with money the entire day...paying for everything along the way)

The kids truly had a great day, and we ended it at Hope's favorite restaurant, Macaroni Grill where I heard one of her favorite songs playing in the restaurant. I know it was her, I know she said to me, "I see you, I thank you, I love you." At least that's what I felt when "It's a Wonderful World" played and I stopped dead in my tracks FEELING her tug on me to tell me..."hey...my song is playing."

Well...in my crazy mind I hear her saying that to me. I spent the whole day watching her boys laugh, talk about about the animals and "conservation" (one of Nathan's favorite subjects), and scream next to me on the roller coasters.

I try not to focus on "days" anymore, anniversary's of events of the past few years etc. It feels like I am cheating myself out of days in my bonus round. I don't want to "re-live" any of it, so I really am glad I have been able to make new fun memories to replace bad ones.

Such I guess is the circle of life.

Cue Elton John and tell Simba I said "Hakuna Matata"

5 years of blogging!

2012-01-02T17:25:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I have been working on this blog for 5 years!

It was Hope who told me I HAD to have one (pre-facebook) for family and others to keep up with Cooper and all the fun stuff that would be coming my way.

I have been looking back and reflecting on a lot of the posts and I am so glad I did! I have had so many changes in my life in the past 5 years I myself can't keep track of them, and to have them all here in chronological order has been a great digital scrapbook. One that I still love working on and coming to sort out the "ramblings of my mind", to post Cooper's growth and fun family things we have done over the years. Thanks for reading, thanks for "listening" and thanks for loving me unconditionally! I can't wait to see what the next 5 years holds :)

How we spent New Year's Eve

2012-01-01T10:03:00.000-05:00

Camp out in the living room with movies, ice-cream and bedtime by 9:30pm!

Happy New Year :)

Christmas 2011 - revisited

2011-12-31T16:47:00.000-05:00

Christmas 2011 for me will go down in the books as one of my best. Simply for the fact, that I did nothing but enjoy the season. I didn't stress out over gifts, cards, or the craziness. I did what I could, when I could, and when the day came....I did nothing but enjoy it.

We have been playing under the tree, enjoying the peace of the lights, the stillness at night and just being in the moment. Toys are still strewn about, Christmas movies still playing and our lazy home-body attitude is still in affect.

I hope you all had a peaceful and blessed Christmas as well!

Merry Christmas! 2011

2011-12-25T13:37:00.000-05:00

Christmas Eve 2011

2011-12-24T23:38:00.000-05:00

These are a few of my favorite things...Christmas 2011

2011-12-23T18:03:00.000-05:00

Getting GOOD mail in the mailbox and getting excited about each card I get when I see it in my mailbox!

Merry Margarita's with light up ice cubes

Paper snowflakes in 80 degree weather

Baking in my pjs all day

Spending time making a Christmas card for a friend that he never gets around to ordering or using (ok so that one I am adding here so someone can enjoy this card no one will ever see)

Hot cocoa by the fire

Consuming calories by the guzzle in the name of the holiday

My Rudolf necklace

Remembering the real reason for the season :)

Countdown to Christmas

2011-12-18T18:06:00.000-05:00

We are one week until Christmas and this December has flown by. Today I started the Christmas sausage/pepperoni bread making. My little helper was actually very helpful this year. I love to see how much he loves to cook.

Today after baking we laid low. Playing cars, golf, painting and making cards for our gifts.

I have been editing a ton of pictures from my recent photoshoots (check out my photography page!). The weather is cool and I just got a fire going.

You can also see I have decided to start using a self timer on my camera...now I can be in pictures too! I finally get to make an appearance in the photos of my own life story:)

Cooper's school program was Friday night and his class did an awesome job ringing the bells and singing "Celebrate together" in English and Spanish.

He took his part very seriously and was front and center during the performance. I could actually hear him belting out his song. Here is a video capturing the song from his singing in the car.

Well, my fire is on, the Polar Express is playing again and a cup of hot chocolate is calling my name.

A Florida Christmas

2011-12-05T13:49:00.000-05:00

Advent 2011 - Day 1

2011-12-01T20:56:00.000-05:00

Isaiah 9:6

A child will be born to us.
      A son will be given to us.
      He will rule over us.
   And he will be called
      Wonderful Adviser and Mighty God.

The Season of Joy!

2011-11-26T16:34:00.001-05:00

The Season of Joy has officially begun...are you ready?

Happy Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T10:18:00.000-05:00

Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. ~Native American Saying

"My bery OWN trophy"

2011-11-21T19:08:00.000-05:00

Friday pizza night of thanks

2011-11-18T21:00:00.000-05:00

"The first Thanksgiving" as told by 3 and 4 year olds

2011-11-17T16:41:00.001-05:00

There were Pilgrims and there were Indians. Each said something very important that we really couldn't hear (Cooper's line: "That is "bery" good of you")

They told of the Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock and how the Indians taught them to live off the land.

And then they waited for the music to start

So they could sing the "Ted the Turkey" song and dance the Gobble Gobble Boogie

And get their final waves in as the curtain began to close

These Pilgrims and Indians then hosted us all for a Thanksgiving Feast.

And that was "bery" good of them :)

End of soccer season

2011-11-12T12:37:00.000-05:00

Today marked the end of soccer season for the "Columbus Crew".

They made great progress this year. They went from having no clue what to do and from not wanting to let go of their momma's hands, to running, kicking and MAYBE even scoring.

Most days they spent more time on the sidelines getting drinks and snacks, crying over someone "stealing" their ball or running toward the wrong goal....but in the end.. it was a great first season!

Today, all kids got to get a goal... Cooper had to be convinced but as you can see below...he did it :)

"Whip" and other 4 year old adventures

2011-11-09T19:14:00.000-05:00

There are so many fun things about being 4 years old. Cooper lives in that magical world that involves learning, growing, eating and playing. Everyday is an adventure and it makes my heart swell with joy to see his eyes light up when he learns something new. There are so many funny things he is saying and doing now that I just can't capture them all!

- The other day we went back and forth as he told me he wanted me to sing the "Veggie Tales WHIP song"....I could not for the life of me figure out what he was saying. "I don't know a WHIP song" I would protest and he got more and more frustrated and said "WHIP not WHIP". He finally pointed to his LIP and I was like "OHHH LIP" and he said "YES! I said WHIP!"

-He now cries at church at communion. He "is a good boy and wants a cookie too". He is very upset he is left out. He pouts the whole way back to our pew as Grammie and I explain he isn't old enough for the host. He still "wants a cookie"

-Cooper loves to play make believe (I am "Peta Pan" British accent like the stage play he watches over and over), He is Captain Hook. Woody and Buzz are STILL an almost daily event with all the Toy Story characters getting in on it. Zurge steals Jessie, Lotso pushes all the toys in the garbage....all variations of parts of the movies really. Last night we played "photographer" he snapped pictures on his fake Buzz Lightyear camera while I pointed out imaginary animals all around the house.

We still both treasure bath, book and bedtime routine, it is hands down my favorite time of the day. Now he shares with me parts of his day, who is his best friend at school this week, who is in heaven and if we can fly there on a plane. Conversations are getting more mature, more interesting and I am learning way more than you'd imagine!

I am sure I will still be wanting to snuggle and rock him to sleep well into his teen years. I doubt he'll still want to share so many moments of his day but I hope so...rocking to sleep...optional! Just kidding :)

It's Friday!

2011-11-04T08:39:00.000-04:00

Halloween Weekend and other ramblings

2011-10-30T22:19:00.002-04:00

Having Halloween fall near a weekend rocks! You get to eat candy the whole weekend, fall into a sugar coma and not have to go to work the next day. It's been great...also because on a weekend like this I hate to get out of my jammies. So eating candy in my pj pants is the ultimate :)

Our tradition the last few years has been to go to a local Trunk or Treat at a church and this year again...they did not disappoint!

(please note Cpt Hook was "mean" for the end of the night pics. ...he says " like Hook" I say ..

.like tired and cranky)

What is most disappointing...is that my dear friend Jennifer lost her courageous battle with Melanoma on Friday and I just can't shake my heavy grief even now Sunday night. One thing about grief that I hate...is that it never leaves you. EVER. (bold, underlined and caps people....EVER!) Once you have gone to that place of true loss, once those you love are gone from you forever, I know they say time heals all wounds... but they haven't for me yet. My wounds get scabbed over but keep getting ripped off and feel fresh again. I grieve all over again for all those that have gone before Jen who I miss. Who she is with now and I am not. Words don't comfort me..."praying you for" is nice but I am numb to other's compassion. My newest hate (NOW all 3-4 of you reading are sure to stop reading!) is October being "pink". I don't want a Mother "F"ing (yes I get that mad!) pink bagel at Panera! I don't want to walk in a pink boa or tu tu for "survivors". I don't know any. My friends and family are dead. My friends remind me detection is key in breast cancer and we need to educate. FINE but I don't want my cereal box with a pink ribbon!! It REMINDS me they are gone. All of those I lost to cancer...my dad has nothing to do with breast cancer but it still is cancer and it really stings. It rips open my wound and I am left crying in the cereal isle for Hope as I picture her in her "Making Strides" pink boa the year she "beat it." Before she got tongue cancer that the "practicing doctors" claimed was unrelated and died. That pink ribbon really just pisses me off.

So....I tell people "I am not in a good space". That's all I can say really. Again...my blog my ramblings...terrible I know but I have made it the whole month with the pink EVERYTHING BLASTED THING and Jen's loss (FYI the melanoma ribbon is black) has like I usually say "taken me from teetering on the edge of a breakdown, right into one"

Sangria is now a staple at night. The Halloween candy combination with the sangria in my NON RIBBON-ED pirate skull pjs with the draw string makes me happy. That's all I have...so hate me. It's ok...I'd hate me too if I didn't know any better.

I know this place I am in I will move from. I know I will change my mind, my feelings and my opinion a thousand more times in my lifetime. Each experience shapes me and I hope I continue to grow as I move through the grief stages (clearly I am in anger! ha)

Tomorrow I may smile at the lady offering me to "donate a dollar and get a pink ribbon posted on the cash register for breast cancer" and nicely say " no thanks" instead of what usually runs through my head before I grunt "no"....oh wait...November's right around the corner and tomorrow is Halloween...Ahhhhh...I get to forgive "pink" October month until next year. Thank GOD! Because the pink dye in the bagel is probably giving everyone cancer anyway! :)

Have a "Magical" Halloween

2011-10-26T18:15:00.000-04:00

Pumpkin Patch 2011

2011-10-22T23:55:00.001-04:00

Tonight we had a ball at the Pumpkin Patch. I was trying to narrow down the pics but...it's my blog...I am posting them all!

And here's what I LOVE about blogging...here's all the Pumpkin Patch pics the past 4 years!

2010, 2009, 2008, 2007

http://cooperharland.blogspot.com/2008/10/halloween-fun.html

Changes

2011-10-19T22:56:00.000-04:00

The winds of change are starting to blow in my life. I have been trying....really hard..... to hear the whispers in my life. To be still, to get back that "knowing peace" I used to feel so easily deep down in my core that seems to have been blocked off or numbed somehow these past few years. It used to guide me, move me, but I can't hear it any more very well and when I do I have no idea what it is saying.

This post is no announcement, I have no news, I have no answers. I just feel the wind, blowing cool and softly, stirring up some thoughts and plans of change. I have a sign in my house...I have had it for years that says "Create the world you imagine" and it's my new mantra. I have this one life...what am I going to do with it? Well my friends...all 3 of you still reading this blog...I don't know but I know it's not this. I know it's WAY MORE than what I am settling for and have settled for.

Meredith knows for years that I am "fake". It's our joke. Winning friendliest in high school was when it started and I told her, I just act fake, I am really not friendly (truth be told as a true friend she may have called ME out on it!). If you know ME, the real ME, you love and get me. But as I have been taking Oprah's Lifeclasses on line one thing REALLY hit me hard was "When you don't show up as who you are, people fall in love with who you are not". Ponder that one for a while! I did and you know what...I GET THAT! I am who everyone else needs me to be when that situation suites me and more than often...them. I do it all the time, mostly at work and in my professional life but that is a pattern for me I think. Whoever others need me to be....even if I hate it, don't like it or completely disagree, I do it so it's easier on the other person. Not because I am a doormat but because I don't get hurt if I am not my true self. I am "untouchable" there...in the fakeness. Because it's not really me, or what I really am feeling. So I can stay detached in some way. But in that process, I never exercise or entertain my true passions, my true self is hidden away tucked away not being genuine.

So how's this for a deep post after light nothing posts for months??! HA

So...all this rambling to say...I am not being fake unless I HAVE to (work is NOT a place to test this out yet). So if you ask me how I am..I will tell you not good if I am not. If you need me to be ok so you are ok....sorry Charlies, I am not ok either. Go feel better from someone else. It's not mean, it's not rude...it's really ME. I am sharing this because I think of my true friends (yes the 3 or 4 of you still reading this) and you get this too. You Laurie NEVER have a problem with this so you are excluded! But we are unknowingly putting our own needs aside too many times in the day because we think it's easier, we'll do our thing later. But I am just starting to get that, that later day never comes. We are so busy "doing the right thing" we aren't doing what we really want. And maybe because our whispers scare us a little bit and it's hard to be who we really are.

So yes I am still rambling and again when I do this I never know if it makes sense but it does to me and this blog chronicles my life and Cooper's so...there it is. In black and white on line. I am struggling. Not in a bad way at all. In the best way of all! In a way where I have a ton of ideas, all exciting and new in my mind that I usually push off as not practical and ignore. But I guess I just now see a small light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like it's time to go knock people over and disregard anyone else's opinion and starting running like hell toward it...with Cooper jogging beside me, basking in the glory of the new unknown light!

Wish me luck and after writing this I feel like maybe grab a jacket...the winds of change may whip ya around!

Welcome rain....nice to see you

2011-10-08T18:20:00.000-04:00

We may have a flooded porch and we may be trapped indoors...

but it's nice for a change of pace.

Catch up....Happy October 2011

2011-10-01T21:10:00.000-04:00

Wow! Happy October! The month of September really went right by me. I literally did everything I could just to get through some days, as it's been that time of year again when the grey cloud feels like it's covering my head....lots of old memories and new stresses added in that keep me up at night. That's actually a lie..keep me up at night is more of a metaphor...I have been asleep every night with Cooper, passed out cold until morning. I can't seem to get enough sleep these days...obviously I need it.

Cooper has been busy playing soccer. Today was the first day he let me sit in my chair and watch. Usually I am out on the field or on the sidelines with him. Soccer for 4 year olds is a lot of kids crying, picking up grass, chasing butterflies and kicking it in the closest goal they see if the goal at all.

I love his face on this picture above...so proud and happy. Below he is "blocking" ....so darn cute!

Todd and Rochelle had their baby! It was so neat to have something exciting snuck into normal days. I snapped some pics you can see HERE of her for my photography blog.

I may be retreating and re-grouping but Cooper is growing and learning leaps and bounds! Tonight we worked on his name again and he is really getting it! So fun to watch him learn to spell his name C- O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-P-E-R he'll say but he knows to write two Os.

And I will leave you with two videos...one of Cooper reciting the days of the week, the other the months of the year! His Pledge of Allegiance is pretty cute too I'll have to catch that soon!

Happy 4th Birthday Cooper!

2011-09-19T21:12:00.000-04:00

Colorado Rocky Mountain High

2011-09-05T22:12:00.000-04:00

Just got in from an amazing trip!

I watched the sunrise every morning

Cooper and I acted like tourists

We explored

Visited the Broadmoore hotel that "Pop and E E stayed in"

Spent good quality time with friends new and old :)

More to come :)

On the mend

2011-08-31T07:26:00.000-04:00

We interrupt this regularly scheduled programming....

2011-08-28T17:15:00.000-04:00

This weekend fun was cut short....my boy caught the back to school cooties :(

We will be back to our regularly scheduled programming once the breathing treatments, humidifiers, and thermometers go back in the closet.

In the meantime...lots of photography was done over the last week.

New pics on the photography website.

Runnin' on Island Time

2011-08-21T10:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning Cooper woke up at 6:00am. Great...on a Saturday. What do we do now all day? Well, the school is having a fundraiser 5k I thought but the idea of dragging out the stroller and pushing a 43 lb almost 4 year old for over 3 miles was not the way I wanted to get back into the running/5K circuit. But...you gotta start somewhere and I have been lacing up my shoes for a run more now than I have in the past so I figured...what the heck? Go for it!

Even though I didn't run the whole time like I have in the past, I was proud of myself. More proud of my little guy who wanted to jump out along the route and "win" with his mamma.

And I couldn't resist the event photographer's shots...they captured our start....

and our finish!

(for the record those people in the background were already done/or just visiting! ha!)

Random cell phone pictures from my phone

2011-08-18T22:53:00.001-04:00

Some Saturdays

2011-08-14T21:34:00.001-04:00

Some Saturdays are filled with adventure

Intrigue

Discoveries

Fantasy

Wonder

Endurance

And attitude!

SUCCESS!

2011-08-10T19:05:00.000-04:00

First day of DMCA!

2011-08-10T09:29:00.000-04:00

"Mommy, I am not going to cry ok?"

"Mommy, I am not going to be shy ok?"

"Mommy, I am going to make best friends like you at this school, ok?"

"Mommy...............

why are you crying?"

End of Summer

2011-08-09T09:01:00.002-04:00

With the start of school tomorrow, I can feel another "shift" happening.

Those long carefree nights in the driveway....they will be ending.

Cannonballs or beach time at noon...coming to an end.

We are registered for soccer, we have all our school supplies, uniforms are hanging in the closet ready to be worn. Goodbye to summer, hello new school year :)

Land of Make Believe

2011-08-07T20:53:00.000-04:00

"Ready to turn 4" is a great age! I have loved all the phases of raising a child so far and each time I say "this is great and my favorite" so this precious time is no exception. Cooper lives in a world totally unto himself sometimes....and I love to be able to watch in wonder.

More Puerto Rico pics :)

2011-08-01T09:56:00.000-04:00

Hola!

2011-07-31T21:45:00.000-04:00

We touched down in Puerto Rico this week.

Here to visit with cousins and help my sister unpack and get settled....and that we have!

Cousins have laughed and played

We beached

Laughed

We walked the neighborhood

Laughed

We decorated, swam, rested and unpacked some more

And most importantly...cousins visited :)

Sweet Spot

2011-07-25T20:00:00.001-04:00

The beach in the summer between 6pm-8pm......sweet!

Chasing after your Momma and soaking her with water to watch her jump up to protect her camera....sweet!

Making a big mess one minute and watching the water wash it away the next...sweet!

Thanks to Uncle Trey.....that sweet spot on the back of your leg...you know the spot just before your butt...yeah..that's "Sweet Baby Meat". Not only is that the most ticklish spot in the history of tickling....it is the best spot for chomping down on while running after your Momma at the beach.

Capturing it on camera ....sweet!

Magical Days

2011-07-24T10:20:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy summer. In between company, work, home projects and an upcoming vacation, my days seem to roll one right in to the other. My "big boy" is growing so fast before my eyes, since May he not only has moved off the steps of safety in the pool, but now jumps and dives head first into the real deep end...swimming deep below the surface and swimming the length of the pool over and over again.

His strength and stamina are amazing to me and last night during that beautiful magical time of day photographers call the "golden hour", as I watched the summer sun sink into the sky and my son jump again and again in the warm pool, I convinced myself I will see him at the Olympics one day. We had just come home from a nice day with his daddy at Hollywood Studios seeing Woody and Buzz and the whole gang, yet complete exhaustion hadn't set in yet. We still had energy...so off to fall, head over heels over and over again, into the pool. Of course we weren't happy until we hit that wall of exhaustion and fell into bed in a near state of sedation!

And with that I kept thinking, THIS is summer. THIS is what it's supposed to be. Days that blend one into the other, days spent in play time, days full of make believe friends and characters that come life.

Cooper told me this morning that Kermit the Frog's voice is really Ernie's voice and Fozzie Bear's voice is really Burt. "I can tell" he said. Ok...Is this kid really just shy of 4 years old?!?!

Well...enough pondering the wonders of these days with an almost 4 year old...someone has just stopped singing "Noah Noah" long enough to hand me a "color" to "color my treasure map because the treasure is under the X".

So..I am off ....to go bask in the glory of the magic...I don't think I need a map...I think I already found my treasure.

Baby showers, company and photoshoots...oh My!

2011-07-18T19:28:00.001-04:00

As I sit here typing, listening to the chatter of Cooper playing by himself in his room, and that background noise of the Toy Story Race Track set reminding me "You've got a play-date with destiny", every fiber of my being is screaming..."I am TIRED!" Just shy of two weeks straight of company, I am ready to retreat again in my creative cocoon.

In the past 2 weeks I have watched the end of the space shuttle era, celebrated with friends at my 20th reunion and stayed up all night chatting with an old friend who still yells "DOOODIE!" into the phone (do we ever outgrow 12 year old humor really?")

when she calls.

But I also did some photoshoots, visited with Britany and her former USAFA Gymnastic teammate, hosted 2 lads from Ireland who came and visited with Jim and Dennis for 5 days and THEN ....just when you think it's time to rest...it's baby shower time!

But I LOVE the promise that new babies bring! I LOVE to know new lives will continue to come into this world for us to love, to spoil with too many pink tu-tus and to join our crazy cast of characters.

(this photo is for my sister...can you believe this is Donnie? In my mind he will always be 10 ! ha!)

So I get just enough time to sleep, do laundry, re-group and get ready to visit my sister in the LAND OF PINA COLADAS!

It's 7:30pm and I will in all likelihood be asleep by 9:00pm...if I make it that long. If you need me...expect your text or call returned by the end of the week...I think I will be hibernating for the next few days :)

More summer fun

2011-07-17T08:00:00.001-04:00

Things I love about summer

2011-07-15T21:26:00.001-04:00

Full- The 20th High School Reunion Weekend

2011-07-11T22:50:00.003-04:00

Another FULL weekend of refilling my soul.

This weekend at my 20th high school reunion, I packed it FULL honey!

We gathered at the beach.

At the pool

Around the dining room table

In the kitchen reviewing the yearbook.

And then we celebrated two decades.

Words that come to mind: Fun, tiring, hopeful, bittersweet, nostalgic, validating.....making my heart feel full :)

The Final Launch

2011-07-08T19:41:00.002-04:00

In 1981, I watched the first shuttle launch in a state of wonder. In 1986, I watched the Challenger explode in a state of fear. In 1988, I watched us get back into the space race in a state of prayer. And today, in 2011, I watched the final launch of NASA's space shuttle program. In a state of wonder, in a state of awe and in a state of pride that I live not only in a country where we can dream as big as we want to, but to live and be raised in a town that watched dreams launch.

I was raised on the Space Coast. New Jersey transplants since 1978, my family left the northern snow to follow a dream, a dream of living on the warm sandy beaches of Florida. One of my dad's favorite stories to tell, used to be of the transfer from New York Bell to Southern Bell, from Bergin to Brevard County. As a child, I used to ask over and over again to hear the story of my parents crossing the Hubert Humphrey bridge in April of 1978 for the first time. My dad, an amazing story teller, would describe in wonder that the moment our little barrier island came onto the horizon.......he and my mother gasped in awe of the beauty. Amazed that this paradise wasn't really even on a map, and they knew that their dream was coming true.

I was raised in the literal shadow of the shuttle. I watched a majority of the 135 missions. From my front yard, from my school yard, from the side of the road, from our secret sand bar. Since 1981, the background noise of my childhood consisted of shuttle blast off rumbles, sliding glass doors shaking from the sonic booms and count down clocks. As kids, we talked easily of shuttle scrubs, launch windows, rocket boosters, O-rings and how families were affected by contract wins and losses. I was taught as I grew in that shadow of NASA that all things are possible, that all dreams can come true, and to never stop dreaming the impossible dream.

Today, with only a 30% chance for lift off, I wasn't prepared to see the last launch. But as I passed all the tourists, all my neighbors car's filled with faded NASA stickers, the nostalgia was palpable and I knew we were about to witness something historic. But to be honest, I think I felt that way every time. I never was NOT in awe of that launch pad in the distance, of that fireball rumbling through my Florida sky.

And today, the Banana River was calm and warm, and that cloudy sky with a high percentage chance of rain, didn't matter as my friends and neighbors all migrated to this same spot, greeting each other with hugs and anticipation.

But as I watched my son and his friends impatiently waiting for the countdown, and creating their own version of the countdown clock over and over again, I wanted him to witness the history, to feel that fear, wonder, awe, pride and exhilaration of the unknown. To know that to have a dream in one thing, but to watch it launch off into orbit...is quiet another.

To know that when that first trail of smoke and the first sight of the fired up rocket boosters comes into view on the horizon, time and space literally stand still. One man's dream is only as big as his imagination, and to watch it come to full circle is to experience all those emotion from fear to exhilaration crammed into that last 10 seconds of a countdown clock.

What a wonderful world. Where we can dream a dream so big and daring as to leave our planet....and not only to do so...but do so for decades.

The Space Coast will always be the Space Coast.

Crowds will always gather to cheer on, watch in awe and be a part of dreams come true.

My child will always have the memory of being there at the last historic launch.

I will always be in awe, I will always be proud, I will will always cheer on the next generations of dreamers.

Happy 4th of July weekend :)

2011-07-03T16:49:00.000-04:00

Kitchen Remodel Final Reveal

2011-07-01T23:33:00.001-04:00

It's DONE! A few weeks of living in dust and months (who are we kidding probably years!) of living with leak stained ceilings and mold in the drywall...the kitchen is finished.

Let's recap. THIS is what my kitchen looked like before....

THIS is what it looked like during....

And here's the AFTER....

AMAZING right????

Here a few more before and afters:

Just in time for the holiday weekend and next weekend's company for my

20th High School reunion!

Kitchen Remodel Sneak Peek

2011-06-30T23:00:00.001-04:00

We've stayed at Grammie's, we've lived among the ruins, I dug a "drywall splinter" out of my heel and every inch of my house seems to be covered in a foot of construction dust...but....the big reveal...it's coming! We are SO close to being done! (And by "we" I mean Kevin!)

Stay tuned!

Cousins- Exploring

2011-06-26T23:43:00.002-04:00

Today at my sister's Birthday and Goodbye Party, hosted at a family lake house, just 12 hours before they fly off to Puerto Rico....cousin's spent the day, exploring.

And then saying goodbye

Why I started to cry over underwear tonight

2011-06-25T23:00:00.042-04:00

Don't call him a baby...and don't call him a little boy. "I am a big boy...right Mommy?"

I always tell him he is. He is a big boy, he goes on the potty, he goes to school, he went to Summer Camp, he's going to big school next year. I must tell him this everyday, and on none of those days do I get sad about it. I am happy to have an independent, social, happy child as my son. I am thrilled we go to dinner and movie, go shopping or to the beach, just the two of us and have conversation. I love that we can "talk" now. I love that the baby faze is over and I have a little person in my life. And I love that we sleep all night at least 8 hours :)

But my "big boy" really is a toddler. And he is still too little to do a lot of things....until now. How is it that kids spring up in the summer? The sun and fun must really get their little bodies growing because my toddler, likes to dive and jump in the pool now.

And the "Mommy watch me!!!!" is in full effect...all....day....long.

And he is so proud he can't stop smiling!

And of course he can't stop jumping!

And diving

And swimming under water

And he also can't stop growing! Which is why I went to Target to get new underwear among a few other things because some of Cooper's clothes are getting to tight. "The dryer must shrink these Elmo underwear" I keep thinking. No...they are 2T-3Ts. I have an almost 4 year old...who I also discovered, has tight 4ts in his underwear drawer too! So....size 5T-6T was purchased without a thought...until I unpacked them. They are for big boys. They aren't small, they aren't for toddlers, they are for big boys. Big boys that dive and swim and go exploring and pretend they are Captain Hook when I get to be Mr. Smee.

So here I am tonight, taking them out of the dryer before putting them in his drawers in the hopes that they would shrink and look more like "little boys". They don't, they still look big, they are a little big so far but they fit better. And I got a little choked up. My baby is growing, everyday "bigger and bigger" as he likes to say, right before my eyes.

Mid June....summer is flying by!

2011-06-21T10:58:00.000-04:00

Things are in full swing around here as usual! Kevin is getting all the mold out of the kitchen...so it's nice and messy around here :)

Cooper's been playing is his "tent" in his room and dancing in the rain!

And it's SOOOO hot we have been swimming like crazy! I am going to have to get some pics of him in action...he is a little fish these days :)

Everything old is new again

2011-06-15T07:30:00.001-04:00

For the past few weeks, I have been painting like a crazy woman. I have no idea why or how it started but I can't seem to stop. It first began with a few bottles of spray paint in fun summer colors. ( above pic I painted the red chair, the step stool, even the candle holder in the background) I felt like things around the house needed to be spruced up.

Or worn down...I took Phina's old gold mirror and tried to make it "shabby chic".

Then I went after my table tops for the same effect.

Then I moved outside...the terrible "do do" brown paint trim on my back porch was killin' me...so with two fresh coats of bright white the trim is shiny and new!

But then came Cooper's room....sad to say the baby blue that Pop painted was feeling old and when Kevin repaired one wall it needed painting anyway so....

Cooper even got in on the action with some light switch covers (in chalk board paint)

So....sprucing up and painting is still in full affect...not sure what I'll grab a hold of and paint next.

Hide your kids and small pets!

Wear your Passion

2011-06-12T16:35:00.003-04:00

Two Decades

2011-06-08T08:11:00.002-04:00

In July my high school friends and I will gather, in a local hotel ballroom, and reunite. Just the word reunion- "the act or process of coming together again" makes me fell nostalgic. In 20 years a lot has happened. We have traveled, we have moved, we have married, divorced, struggled with our health, given birth and experienced death.

We have triumphed and we have failed....and change has become a constant we have learned to accept.

But some things have haven't changed, and that is what makes the essence of who we really are. In 20 years, I still love photography and writing and socializing (God bless the internet and facebook for allowing me to indulge in these passions!). I have to say this wasn't always the case. I think that 20 years of reflection is much much different than 10 years...time and experience can sure change perspective.

At my 10 year reunion, I felt like I was nothing like that highschool girl. I was a working college graduate who just got back from traveling Asia for work. I was busy getting on planes, meeting people, doing, running, being "out there" in the world, and coming back to my hometown to see the "same old people" wasn't high on my priority list. I didn't want to go, I felt out of my element and I felt that that old skin just didn't fit any more. That reunion, I only went to one of the weekend events and in the end I begrudgingly had fun. I drank too many glasses of wine to loosen up and relax, but I had fun.

But now 10 years after that and 20 total years of high school graduation....that old skin does fit a little better and feel more comfortable. Maybe I was tying so hard NOT to be that same girl, that I had to lose myself enough to take the time to "find myself". Only to discover, I needed to come around to being her again.

I ran, I saw, I conquered, I circled back.

In no way am I done with trying on new skins, new adventures. I hope in the next 20 years I have way more travel, adventures, loves, hopes, dreams and experiences that beat the last 20 years. But, as that change inevitably occurs, as a I embrace new life and new dreams, I know that my constant, my true self that I can see reflecting back to me not only in old high school photographs but in the eyes of my friends who really "get me", will always be there.

That uniting, that coming together....it does something to us. I think it reawakens our inner self, I think it reminds that high school kid that, " hey....you can grow, you can change and you can see that same growth and change in your fellow classmates, but reunite! Come together and take the time to stop and the celebrate the journey."

I look forward to our day of reuniting and plan on taking time to celebrate my journey.

Do you eat food in the United States??? WOW

2011-06-02T13:34:00.001-04:00

Wow...I am not seeming so crazy on my other post now am I?

Check out Robin's page where she posts this list to help you start changing the way you eat and what to look for while you shop for your family:

Instead of: Choose This!

Cheetos Fritos Natural Cheetos (less dyes)

Fat Free Miracle Whip Original Miracle Whip (less aspartame)

M&M's Chocolate Chips (less dyes)

Lenders Blueberry Bagels Lenders Cinnamon Raisin Bagels (less dyes)

Hawaiian Punch Minute Maid Fruit Punch (less dyes)

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese mix-yellow Kraft Macaroni and Cheese mix – White Cheddar (less dyes)

Wal-Mart Milk Wal-Mart rbGH-free milk (less synthetic growth hormone)

Prepackaged noodles with powder mix Bag of noodles with olive oil (less synthetic growth hormone/less dyes)

Prepackaged mix of rice Bag of plain rice with salt/spices added (less MSG, dyes)

Lowfat Ice Cream Original Ice Cream (less aspartame)

Strawberry Ice Cream Vanilla Ice Cream with your own toppings (less dyes)

Blue Yogurt White yogurt – add your own toppings (less dyes)

You WIN and You WIN and Your Family Wins!

2011-05-29T20:01:00.002-04:00

Thanks so much for those of you that spread the word about Applegate and the contest! I have been eating a bunch of their products this long holiday weekend and feeling good about it :)

Since I only got a few actual comments ( a lot of you lurk but don't comment which is ok by me!) like Oprah said "You Win the coupons, and You Win the coupons" You all win! (Not a car but coupons....don't get too excited!)

So Lynn, Alane, Cheercfa07, wcgator, Meredith and Robin....send me your physical mailing addresses and I'll snail mail you five $1 off coupons! Just email me at amb316@gmail.com

Happy BBQing this weekend!

Edited to include STEPHANIE WINS too!

The Whispers in your Life

2011-05-25T22:51:00.001-04:00

Today was the final Oprah Winfrey show.

In 1986 I remember the first time I heard of Oprah. I was sitting in my parent's house on Cherry Ave. watching afternoon t.v. and I saw the commercials announcing over and over again that "Oprah's coming". I thought..what is an Oprah. Of course my mom and sister and I watched. We were afternoon t.v. junkies already watching the Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, Guiding Light and then at 4pm- The Phil Donahue show

(I secretly always missed Merv Griffen when he went off the air). So this new Oprah thing...we were all over it. And so from that day on we were hooked along with the rest of the country..."Did you see Oprah today?" was a common question for years we'd ask each other!

In 2003 when Hope completed her chemo treatments from breast cancer, she wanted to celebrate big. I told her anything she wanted to do I was there! I told her pack up Jake and Nathan and let's head to Fiji! Or go on a cruise! A trip to NYC! But my dear Hope picked Oprah. A girls only trip to Chicago in the winter. The trip had to be made within weeks of the final treatments ending. So there we were, in the coldest place I thought we could ever be in February! Hope called ahead for hours and days to get tickets, and because "All guests of the Oprah Winfrey show stay at the fabulous Omni Hotel in downtown Chicago" she booked that hotel and she planned the entire trip.

When I look back at that trip now, I only remember a few things really.

1) The cold.

2) Worrying that Hope was out in frigid weather with barely any hair and I thought a tropical local was more appropriate for this celebration!

3) The fact that our morning Oprah taping was about Skid Boot the Dog and amazing animal tricks not the afternoon show that day with John Travolta!

4) Dropping a ton of Jake's money in Nordstrom's for Hope's new wardrobe

5) Talking with Hope for hours and hours and hours about things I never really ever said out loud before.

The talking never stopped. And I am not talking "does this new shirt show my new scars" in the dressing room kind of talk. We talked about clothes, and cancer, and new scars and the new breast prosthetic of course. But we dug deeper at night for hours, at meals, walking the streets of Chicago, while she got a makeover at the makeup counter. We talked about our lives, our dreams, our past, the universe, destiny, fate and what is the meaning of it all? We didn't call it the "whispers of our soul" but we'd talk about what was stirring in us and how we got to be who we were then and where we wanted to go.

In 2009 Hope and I watched Oprah everyday in her hospice room. At 4pm I would shut the door, put the "Do Not Disturb" sign up, turn on the TV and help her eat a chocolate shake with a little plastic spoon so she could taste chocolate. I don't remember a single episode. I don't remember any details of those days really but I remember looking forward to that time and being alone with our ice cream and each other. Hope couldn't talk, but we could communicate. I could "hear" her....I always talk about those days like it I was on another planet because without words, our energy could communicate. I didn't need her voice, I didn't need to say anything to her...somehow in quiet still moments, while the Oprah show was on in the background, those whispers in our lives where guiding us through. I couldn't function without the whispers. They told me when to go home to Cooper. They told me when to stay longer at the hospital. In the end those whispers told me to say my final goodbye and stay away to let her go until the day she died when God whispered back in my ear to head to the hospital just so I could make it there minutes after she passed so I could be with my friends who also showed up when I did because they heard the whispers too.

So now in May 2011, in the final show I hear: "What are the whispers in your life right now? And will you hear it? Your life is speaking to you. What does it say?"

That quote is one that Hope would have loved and that hit me like a brick tonight! The whispers of my life are still here but I think I stopped hearing them. I know that compounded grief, stress and just plain life drowned out the whispers so I started needing the walls to come crumbling down to get my attention.

Just like in 1986 when I didn't know what "an Oprah" was, I don't know what "an Ann-Marie" is right now either....I hope I don't take 25 years to find her but I know that today I was reminded I really need to listen more to the whispers that I know are there.

I don't miss Merv anymore because we have Ellen, I don't watch soaps because I have blogs, but replacing Oprah at 4pm....I won't ever do. When I think of Oprah I always think of Hope. And now when I think of Hope and Oprah, I will stop to listen to my whispers.

I'll let you know where they take me! Let me know where they are taking you too.

Full Circle

2011-05-23T08:23:00.002-04:00

This little girl showed up to a little private school in April 1979.

This little boy showed up to the same place in May 2011.

It makes my heart leap with joy :)

Applegate Coupons Giveaway

2011-05-21T09:50:00.000-04:00

As you know I have been making an effort to eat better in our home. Truth be told I am not perfect, old habits die hard but what I LOVE about Applegate Farms is that they have food I already eat and I can relax about the nitrates, antibiotics and other scary things I fear is in our food. You remember this post and the ramblings of my brain. Thanks you to all of you who reached out to me that you think similarly and are wondering about all these things too. There are plenty of blogs about healthy eating and I am blown away about how much I still have to learn. And let's remember...I am not one of those blogs. I am just a single mom, trying to make the right choices for my son and myself. I still eat too much ice-cream, have a hard time giving up Diet Cherry Coke and still believe chocolate should be a food group. But, I am learning, I am trying, and I am excited that the Applegate products are soooo good!! Seriously! The Sunday Bacon is my current favorite :) I am eager to dig into my kitchen (by the way, demolition on the ceiling starts Wednesday!) and start whipping up new and old recipes using my new favorite brands.

What I love about Applegate Farms more than the Sunday bacon: their Mission:

To change the way America eats meat

We always embrace three important principles:

Taste. Strive to make the best tasting products with no shortcuts and only natural ingredients.

Truth. Conduct our farming practices with integrity and treat our animals and land with respect.

Trust. Tell all of our story. Provide transparency into our industry and to our consumers.

What struck me the most in the above was the "provide transparency to our industry and our consumers". That's a biggy for me and I know for you all also. I also want to remind you of #2. When comparing a cheaper chicken nugget you may think the ingredients seem the same so it must really be the same... right???? It's the "truth" of their mission statement that is the different. Farming practices are critical and to trust that the animals and the land are treated with respect speak volumes as to final products that this company provides.

Oh and one more thing...I was thrilled to see on Applegate's website, a link to the Healthy School Campaign. If you click HERE you can send an invitation to your State representatives to support healthy school food. As they state they want congressional leaders to join them for Lunch. "Samples of healthy, great-tasting school lunches designed by high school students will be served at a May 24 briefing on the role of funding for school kitchen equipment and food service training in creating healthy school meals, presented by Healthy Schools Campaign (HSC) and The PEW Charitable Trusts." It only takes a second to fill out your information and the system auto sends it to the correct state representatives on your behalf...I hope you'll consider doing it as I did.

So...without further ado...let's have a giveaway!

I'm a simple girl ...with a simple small blog....so...

First 20 people who comment on this blog post (so I know you whole 5 people are really out there...and mom you and Kimmy don't count!) AND go to Facebook and "LIKE" Applegate Farms, YOU WIN one $1 off coupon. Once we pass the first twenty...you're not out of the running yet!

TWO more winners will be selected at random of ALL the comments to win 5 $1 off coupons if you do all of the above as well!

I also invite you just to be kind when you "like" Applegate Farms facebook page. If you are a customer, just drop them a note on their wall and tell them what products you love most...I am sure they would love the feedback as they are so connected to their customers. Mention "Cooper's Corner Blog sent you" in your comment and you get 2 entries in the random drawing :)

Thanks everyone and I appreciate you passing on my blog and the giveaway to your friends and family!

My first giveaway

2011-05-19T08:44:00.001-04:00

Applegate Farms has sent me a bunch of coupons to giveaway!

So help me spread the word about my little blog and and soon we'll have a giveaway!

Dear 16 year old me

2011-05-19T00:17:00.005-04:00

Dear 16 year old me,

The fact that May is Melanoma Awareness Month will impact you greatly in May 2011.

Your friend Jennifer (you know the one you sit next to in class everyday and laugh with and make fun of people with) well you will stay friends with her and in 2011 she will be in ICU after undergoing a series of experimental treatments because of Stage 4 Melanoma.

You will get your yearly mole check at the dermatologist and you will be fine. You will buy your son extra sunscreen to put on everyday before summer camp and vow to make him wear a swim shirt and a hat at the pool or beach at all times.

You will pray when you feel helpless when you hear the news that Jennifer is sedated to keep her comfortable while her body is fighting an infection in ICU.

You will have a blog (yes that world wide web thing really takes off!) and share information on melanoma. Oh and 16 year old me....I know you love ice cream but the habit really gets out of control when you are an adult and the weight is REALLY hard to get off! Just sayin'...also....90210 will still be a good show to watch in reruns in your 30's.

Fearless

2011-05-17T18:38:00.002-04:00

Cooper, wanna go in the boat while we go tubing?

Yeah, sure!

Cooper, wanna go on the tube?

Yeah, sure!

Ashleigh, don't you think you should hold on to the tube

with both hands while with my precious cargo?

What?

Cooper, ignore that Ashleigh just flew off the tube and

you are bouncing around in choppy waves.

Ignore that your momma is on the dock holding her

breathe the whole long 1.4 minutes it took

Ashleigh to swim to you and get back on.

FEARLESS I TELL YA!

Unlike the momma here...who stayed on the dock not because she was afraid of the water or tubing, but because she was afraid to let her little baby go and end up placing her

anxiety on said "little baby".... Who is now called:

FEARLESS!

Uhhhh Mommy- There's anober weak

2011-05-15T10:48:00.003-04:00

As you now know, I have been feeling that some days I am not ok. But those others days I failed to mention, on those days, I sometimes feel overwhelmed. Not all the time of course, but on days when all the patches I had the roofer put up start to crumble down, I feel like it's the universes way of saying to me "ha...think you got it all together? Think again sister!" and then the rain starts coming in. And I put in my time. I patch it up and I think I move on.

But I really don't move on, I just patch it up. I didn't FIX anything. So..in an effort to really "FIX" things, I bit the bullet and agreed to a new roof. And this week when the roofers came, ripped off the singles, informed me that the wood underneath was rotten almost to the trusses in some places....it decided to rain. And not just rain....pour. We haven't had rain in days of course.....and now we do. And then it rained, in my house. In the heart of my house, in the family room over the fireplace. The old leaks started to give way, new ones started to form and I could no longer pretend that any of my patch jobs worked.

That old familiar feeling of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" creeped back in. I grabbed what I could, moved what I worried about getting wet and started sopping it up. My heart was weeping and I had to sop it up before it got too messy and before anyone would see.

As we all know, any good heart ache needs wine. So seconds before I cracked a bottle of sangria open, in a moment when I couldn't get the damn thing open fast enough....I felt like I couldn't sop up anymore. I can't absorb anymore. I wanted to wave my white flag and tell the Universe "fine Biatch, you win".

Of course with a struggle I got the bottle open, I took a minute (and a swig or two) and I started checking the rest of the house for leaks (or as Cooper kept announcing "weaks"). Everything else was in its place. All the other rooms were fine, dry and were completely unaware of what was going on in the family room.

So I kept moved aside the things I wanted to keep safe, things I treasured, pieces I was going to renovate and refurbish, family portraits, hand me downs and hand made treasures. And while I moved the pieces of my heart to safety, I felt the pangs of loss. Loss of a marriage, loss of security, loss of the dream of what my life would be like. But like I said, I lately felt a shift. And in my shift I realized I could feel those things in one moment, accept it, feel it and then let IT move away so I could feel all those another things my heart longs for.

By then the roofer showed up, the workers helped patch the patches until the real roof is put up this week. I attempted to sleep through the drips and drops in the buckets all night and today by the light of day....things are drying out.

Or so I thought......this morning I heard...."uhhh...mommy...there's anober weak!!" And sure enough another spot in the family room is leaking through the AC vent.

But like I said, the sun is out now and I already had the buckets and towels ready to go. This chinese fire drill reminded me I have what I need, my foundation is good, I just need to use my head and resources when my heart feels too weak.

That feeling of being overwhelmed with patches has been replaced with the knowledge that I am armed with everything I need to heal my heart AND my home...I just think I need a good bottle of OPENED wine!

Sometimes I am not ok

2011-05-13T21:51:00.003-04:00

Most days I feel what I think is "fine". I feel ok. I actually think I am happy again. It's just that some moments, on some days...I don't really think I am ok. Usually, I think of loved ones I have lost recently and smile and move on. I think that their deaths are a part of the circle of life and I thank God for the beauty and strength I was able to take with me from participating in the death process for each of them.

Watching my dad die of leukemia after only battling it 6 months, I learned about Faith. My dad NEVER faltered in his walk of faith, if "the Big Man Upstairs" was calling him home "he wasn't going to disagree". I learned from that experience to relinquish control, to stop acting like I knew what I was doing and to "let go and let God'. Being 8 month pregnant at the time, I found comfort in my dad's steadfast faith, his acceptance of his place in the universe and I was proud to be the daughter of a man that knew who he was, what he wanted and who made no excuses for either of those things. I was proud to have a son that I could also teach those life lessons to.

One year later I was with Hope. Sitting on her sofa, telling her that God's time isn't our time and trying to convince myself that dying at the age of 36, leaving 2 small children behind was not ours to question but what was to be. We didn't understand why 6 years of cancer battles was her lot in life but it was and from Hope I learned grace. I learned to try to be still and let others around me come to their own conclusions . I learned to try to stop rambling my opinions loudly to create noise in uncomfortable silence. I learned to sit in the silence and try to enjoy the "small things". Sitting by her bedside, watching each breath be a small victory, I vowed to never taking life for granted..... ever. I learned that life was about experiences, the good, the bad the ugly. That we are here on earth to experience them...hopefully we learn..... if not...and if we are lucky.....we get the chance at those life lessons again.

My grandfather's passing 5 months after Hope's and then my grandmother's 6 months after my grandfather's....by then...I was numb. My grandparents were in their 90's. They wanted to die. It was time, they were ready, they were waiting. I was lucky to have them for as long as I did and knew I had had plenty of time to prepare.

But this week I had to go help my mom with their house. The site of the details of their lives, still there untouched as if the items where just expecting them to return from a vacation, hit hard. I have been thinking....we have this ONE life, we get a set amount of days to do whatever we want to in those days. We love, we laugh, we move, we collect stuff. We think all kinds of things are really important when in hind sight they probably really aren't. What do I want to do with my ONE life and how to I want to spend all those days and minutes that string together to make that life. What will my legacy be?

This week my dear friend Jennifer is really struggling for her life as she at 38 years old battles melanoma. This week I saw an episode of Oprah and the commercial for the countdown of the last show....and wanted to watch it with Hope and re-live our trip to Chicago to see Skid Boot the dog instead of John Travolta ( I know I have such luck). This week Cooper put a picture of Pop Pop holding him just after he was born in his room next to the Woody Disney picture...then he added a framed picture he stole of "Grandpa" to add next to the others now proudly displayed on his dresser. And in all those moments...I cried. Maybe not at the exact moments, but I cried and now I feel like something in my universe shifted.

So I guess what I am saying is some moments in some days I am not ok. Or maybe I am....I am sure this is normal, I think this is healthy. I know that grief never leaves us and I know that grief pops up when you least expect it.

As I define my personal legacy, as I un-apologetically become the woman I was made to be, as I raise a boy to become a man at his full potential, along the way I will take the faith, the grace and the family legacy in my heart and hope that these days when I really wasn't ok..... I really was making great strides.

(PS- The pics are some cell phone snapshots from my grandparent's house)