Onward and Upward

January has blown in this year with the winds of change chasing me. 

I never mentioned it but I put the house on the rental market at the end of the year.With just a few bites and my impatience, I have  now decided a more permanent solution is needed.  The point of us moving was to downsize, save money, let me keep Cooper in private school and save for his college.  Renting the house out to cover the mortgage would be a short term solution, but long term, I have no vision for.  I don't "see myself" anywhere in a few years, I don't know what I want to do, but I know I need to get my "house" in order.  

Lots of contemplation, and one phone call later, the house will go up for sale this week. I feel like onward and upward doesn't happen to those who are complacent. Change means leaving your comfort zone and if I am serious about building the life I really want, this house and the expenses of it are an anchor to my cruise ship I am trying to sail off into the sunset on. I turn 39 year this year, that's one year away from 40 and my big plans for a trip to Italy.  I have a LIFE I want to live, and watching my hard earned money fly out for the mortgage, house maintenance, the pool etc....isn't where I want it to go.

I have put my heart into this house, but I know that holding on to this "past" is holding me back from my "future". I don't know what it holds, but I know I need to trust and let the winds take me where they may.

"The sooner we can let go of the past, the sooner we can get on with the “now”, our daily life.  If we don’t let it go, it becomes a wall, a barrier, and it prevents us from the vibrancy, the aliveness, the glory that our life should be. "

Uhhhh Mommy- There's anober weak

 As you now know, I have been feeling that some days I am not ok.  But those others days I failed to mention, on those days,  I  sometimes feel overwhelmed. Not all the time of course, but on days when all the patches I had the roofer put up start to crumble down, I feel like it's the universes way of saying to me "ha...think you got it all together?  Think again sister!" and then the rain starts coming in. And I put in my time. I patch it up and I think I move on.

But I really don't move on, I just patch it up. I didn't FIX anything.  So..in an effort to really "FIX" things, I bit the bullet and agreed to a new roof.  And this week when the roofers came, ripped off the singles, informed me that the wood underneath was rotten almost to the trusses in some places....it decided to rain.  And not just rain....pour.  We haven't had rain in days of course.....and now we do. And then it rained, in my house. In the heart of my house, in the family room over the fireplace.  The old leaks started to give way, new ones started to form and I could no longer pretend that any of my patch jobs worked.

That old familiar feeling of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" creeped back in. I grabbed what I could, moved what I worried about getting wet and started sopping it up. My heart was weeping and I had to sop it up before it got too messy and before anyone would see.

As we all know, any good heart ache  needs wine.  So seconds before I cracked a bottle of sangria open, in a moment when I couldn't get the damn thing open fast enough....I felt like I couldn't sop up anymore.  I can't absorb anymore. I wanted to wave my white flag and tell the Universe "fine Biatch, you win".

Of course with a struggle I got the bottle open, I took a minute (and a swig or two) and I started checking the rest of the house for leaks (or as Cooper kept announcing "weaks"). Everything else was in its place.  All the other rooms were fine, dry and were completely unaware of what was going on in the family room.

 So I kept moved aside the things I wanted to keep safe, things I treasured, pieces I was going to renovate and refurbish, family portraits, hand me downs and hand made treasures. And while I moved the pieces of my heart to safety, I felt the pangs of loss.  Loss of a marriage, loss of security, loss of the dream of what my life would be like. But like I said, I lately felt a shift.  And in my shift I realized I could feel those things in one moment, accept it, feel it and then let IT move away so I could feel all those another things my heart longs for.

By then the roofer showed up, the workers helped patch the patches until the real roof is put up this week.  I attempted to sleep through the drips and drops in the buckets all night and today by the light of day....things are drying out.  

Or so I thought......this morning I heard...."uhhh...mommy...there's anober weak!!"  And sure enough another spot in the family room is leaking through the AC vent.

But like I said, the sun is out now and I already had the buckets and towels ready to go. This chinese fire drill reminded me I have what I need, my foundation is good, I just need to use my head and resources when my heart feels too weak. 

That feeling of being overwhelmed with patches has been replaced with the knowledge that I am armed with everything I need to heal my heart AND my home...I just think I need a good bottle of OPENED wine!