39 years

Friday I turned 39.  And can I ask.....

where did the last 10 years of my life go?  

29 I had it all, a job I loved, money, was building a townhouse, great friends, fun nights out...but thought I had nothing, nothing but the promise of an amazing future, 

and a very simple life.

  So...I married, had a baby, a husband, a new house with a pool, the appearance of stability and thought...I have it all.

For a while. 

 But if you know me you know, I didn't really have it all. I have an amazing kid but to be honest (this is going to sound mean so brace yourselves)...that's IT. Loved ones died, promises were broken and honesty and simplicity were nowhere to be found.

"Just make it through the day in one piece" got me here....to 39.

The last 10 years my life got messy.  Tangled up, I felt trapped, confused and lost my sense of reality.  What IS it I want? What IS it I should do?  

So at 39 I realize I can't just "get through the day".  I need to keep the balance of harmony in my life.  If I don't, I know I'll wake up saying I am 49 and lost another 10 years.  I am tired of being angry, I am tired of being complacent, I am tired of doing "what I should".

I spent my 39th birthday emptying out my house and selling off most of my belongings. I am letting go. I am letting go so I can move forward.  These things I have collected, they built a life I never wanted.  So I building a new one.  One that only includes people who bring me joy, work that makes me happy everyday and one that makes me remember that 10 years is a long time to fill with amazing adventures!

The Circle of Life

So I haven't posted about grief lately and to be honest, I just don't want to. I am OVER it. Tired of the grief, of the sadness of death and the fact that it never leaves me.  I am sure you remember over the summer I blogged that my friend Jennifer was battling melanoma.  I don't think I mentioned that she passed in October.  It was just shy of a year to the day I took pictures of her...per her request before starting treatment again. I kinda spiraled into a depression again after that to be honest.  A death for me brings it all up.  And I mean ALL of it.  We had a party for her in December (she left money for us to party after she was gone) and we did all the things she loved.  We ate, drank, gossiped and drank some more. We wrote messages on balloons and released them, we had toasts and told stories. She would have found it cheesy....we needed something "memorial like" to do.

These things we do, they are for us anyway.  We need to have something to signify that we are hurting, that our loved one mattered and that we need to honor them in some way.

I have found in my experience, losing friends, both Hope and Jennifer have impacted me differently than the loss of my dad and grandparents these past few years. Knowing someone my age is gone, my classmate, my contemporary, my confidant is gone...it changed me. It makes me feel like the rest of these days, since they passed, are like a bonus round that they never got.    

So yesterday marked the 3rd year since Hope passed.  Three years she never got, to see her boys grow, to help me go through divorce, parenthood, job changes and to help me plan my new-found future.  A future that because she is gone, feels so EXTRA now. Like the wheel of fortune stopped spinning too early for her and now I better make my bonus round count. Sometimes its paralyzing, so much so that I just don't know what to do next.

Since January 7th this year fell on a Saturday, Jake and I decided we would take the boys to Animal Kingdom for the day.  It was a nice way to remember Hope, an animal lover, avid conservationist, family girl.  

But for me, it was time I felt like I got to spend with her through the boys.  

 For those of you that follow Jake's annoying banter, for the record, Cooper bought Jake a beer yesterday, so I don't want to hear anymore that "Ann-Marie has never bought me a drink in my life"...my boy Cooper is taking care of that now..Thankyouverymuch.

(Cooper carried his wallet with money the entire day...paying for everything along the way)

The kids truly had a great day, and we ended it at Hope's favorite restaurant, Macaroni Grill where I heard one of her favorite songs playing in the restaurant.  I know it was her, I  know she said to me, "I see you, I thank you, I love you." At least that's what I felt when "It's a Wonderful World" played and I stopped dead in my tracks FEELING her tug on me to tell me..."hey...my song is playing."

Well...in my crazy mind I hear her saying that to me.  I spent the whole day watching her boys laugh, talk about about the animals and "conservation" (one of Nathan's favorite subjects),  and scream next to me on the roller coasters.

I try not to focus on "days" anymore, anniversary's of events of the past few years etc.  It feels like I am cheating myself out of days in my bonus round.  I don't want to "re-live" any of it, so I really am glad I have been able to make new fun memories to replace bad ones.

Such I guess is the circle of life.

Cue Elton John and tell Simba I said "Hakuna Matata"

Halloween Weekend and other ramblings

Having Halloween fall near a weekend rocks! You get to eat candy the whole weekend, fall into a sugar coma and not have to go to work the next day.  It's been great...also because on a weekend like this I hate to get out of my jammies.  So eating candy in my pj pants is the ultimate :)

Our tradition the last few years has been to go to a local Trunk or Treat at a church and this year again...they did not disappoint!

(please note Cpt Hook was "mean" for the end of the night pics. ...he says " like Hook" I say ..

.like tired and cranky)

What is most disappointing...is that my dear friend Jennifer lost her courageous battle with Melanoma on Friday and I just can't shake my heavy grief even now Sunday night.  One thing about  grief that I hate...is that it never leaves you.  EVER. (bold, underlined and caps people....EVER!) Once you have gone to that place of true loss, once those you love are gone from you forever, I know they say time heals all wounds... but they haven't for me yet.  My wounds get scabbed over but keep getting ripped off and feel fresh again.  I grieve all over again for all those that have gone before Jen who I miss.  Who she is with now and I am not.  Words don't comfort me..."praying you for" is nice but I am numb to other's compassion. My newest hate (NOW all 3-4 of you reading are sure to stop reading!) is October being "pink". I don't want a Mother "F"ing (yes I get that mad!) pink bagel at Panera!  I don't want to walk in a pink boa or tu tu for "survivors".  I don't know any. My friends and family are dead.  My friends remind me detection is key in breast cancer and we need to educate.  FINE but I don't want my cereal box with a pink ribbon!!  It REMINDS me they are gone.  All of those I lost to cancer...my dad has nothing to do with breast cancer but it still is cancer and it really stings.  It rips open my wound and I am left crying in the cereal isle for Hope as I picture her in her "Making Strides" pink boa the year she "beat it." Before she got tongue cancer that the "practicing doctors" claimed was unrelated and died.  That pink ribbon really just pisses me off.  

So....I tell people "I am not in a good space".  That's all I can say really.  Again...my blog my ramblings...terrible I know but I have made it the whole month with the pink EVERYTHING BLASTED THING and Jen's loss (FYI the melanoma ribbon is black) has like I usually say "taken me from teetering on the edge of a breakdown, right into one"

Sangria is now a staple at night.  The Halloween candy combination with the sangria in my NON RIBBON-ED pirate skull pjs with the draw string makes me happy.  That's all I have...so hate me.  It's ok...I'd hate me too if I didn't know any better.

I know this place I am in I will move from.  I know I will change my mind, my feelings and my opinion a thousand more times in my lifetime. Each experience shapes me and I hope I continue to grow as I move through the grief stages (clearly I am in anger! ha) 

Tomorrow I may smile at the lady offering me to "donate a dollar and get a pink ribbon posted on the cash register for breast cancer" and nicely say  " no thanks" instead of what usually runs through my head before I grunt "no"....oh wait...November's right around the corner and tomorrow is Halloween...Ahhhhh...I get to forgive "pink" October month until next year.  Thank GOD! Because the pink dye in the bagel is probably giving everyone cancer anyway! :)

The Whispers in your Life

Today was the final Oprah Winfrey show. 

In 1986 I remember the first time I heard of Oprah.  I was sitting in my parent's house on Cherry Ave. watching afternoon t.v. and I saw the commercials announcing over and over again that "Oprah's coming". I thought..what is an Oprah. Of course my mom and sister and I watched.  We were afternoon t.v. junkies already watching the Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, Guiding Light and then at 4pm- The Phil Donahue show 

(I secretly always missed Merv Griffen when he went off the air).  So this new Oprah thing...we were all over it.  And so from that day on we were hooked along with the rest of the country..."Did you see Oprah today?" was a common question for years we'd ask each other!

In 2003 when Hope completed her chemo treatments from breast cancer, she wanted to celebrate big. I told her anything she wanted to do I was there! I told her pack up Jake and Nathan and let's head to Fiji!  Or go on a cruise!  A trip to NYC!  But my dear Hope picked Oprah.  A girls only trip to Chicago in the winter. The trip had to be made within weeks of the final treatments ending. So there we were, in the coldest place I thought we could ever be in February! Hope called ahead for hours and days to get tickets, and because "All guests of the Oprah Winfrey show stay at the fabulous Omni Hotel in downtown Chicago" she booked that hotel and she planned the entire trip. 

When I look back at that trip now, I only remember a few things really.  

1) The cold.  

2) Worrying that Hope was out in frigid weather with barely any hair and I thought a tropical local was more appropriate for this celebration!

3) The fact that our morning Oprah taping was about Skid Boot the Dog and amazing animal tricks not the afternoon show that day with John Travolta!

4) Dropping a ton of Jake's money in Nordstrom's for Hope's new wardrobe

5) Talking with Hope for hours and hours and hours about things I never really ever said out loud before.

The talking never stopped. And I am not talking "does this new shirt show my new scars" in the dressing room kind of talk.  We talked about clothes, and cancer, and new scars and the new breast prosthetic of course. But we dug deeper at night for hours, at meals, walking the streets of Chicago, while she got a makeover at the makeup counter.  We talked about our lives, our dreams, our past, the universe, destiny, fate and what is the meaning of it all? We didn't call it the "whispers of our soul" but we'd talk about what was stirring in us and how we got to be who we were then and where we wanted to go.

In 2009 Hope and I watched Oprah everyday in her hospice room. At 4pm I would shut the door, put the "Do Not Disturb" sign up, turn on the TV and help her eat a chocolate shake with a little plastic spoon so she could taste chocolate. I don't remember a single episode. I don't remember any details of those days really but I remember looking forward to that time and being alone with our ice cream and each other. Hope couldn't talk, but we could communicate. I could "hear" her....I always talk about those days like it I was on another planet because without words, our energy could communicate. I didn't need her voice, I didn't need to say anything to her...somehow in quiet still moments, while the Oprah show was on in the background,  those whispers in our lives where guiding us through. I couldn't function without the whispers.  They told me when to go home to Cooper.  They told me when to stay longer at the hospital. In the end those whispers told me to say my final goodbye and stay away to let her go until the day she died when God whispered back in my ear to head to the hospital just so I could make it there minutes after she passed so I could be with my friends who also showed up when I did because they heard the whispers too.

So now in May 2011, in the final show I hear: "What are the whispers in your life right now? And will you hear it? Your life is speaking to you. What does it say?" 

That quote is one that Hope would have loved and that hit me like a brick tonight! The whispers of my life are still here but I think I stopped hearing them. I know that compounded grief, stress and just plain life drowned out the whispers so I started needing the walls to come crumbling down to get my attention.  

Just like in 1986 when I didn't know what "an Oprah" was, I don't know what "an Ann-Marie" is right now either....I hope I don't take 25 years to find her but I know that today I was reminded I really need to listen more to the whispers that I know are there.

I don't miss Merv anymore because we have Ellen, I don't watch soaps because I have blogs, but replacing Oprah at 4pm....I won't ever do.  When I think of Oprah I always think of Hope. And now when I think of Hope and Oprah, I will stop to listen to my whispers.  

I'll let you know where they take me!  Let me know where they are taking you too. 

Uhhhh Mommy- There's anober weak

 As you now know, I have been feeling that some days I am not ok.  But those others days I failed to mention, on those days,  I  sometimes feel overwhelmed. Not all the time of course, but on days when all the patches I had the roofer put up start to crumble down, I feel like it's the universes way of saying to me "ha...think you got it all together?  Think again sister!" and then the rain starts coming in. And I put in my time. I patch it up and I think I move on.

But I really don't move on, I just patch it up. I didn't FIX anything.  So..in an effort to really "FIX" things, I bit the bullet and agreed to a new roof.  And this week when the roofers came, ripped off the singles, informed me that the wood underneath was rotten almost to the trusses in some places....it decided to rain.  And not just rain....pour.  We haven't had rain in days of course.....and now we do. And then it rained, in my house. In the heart of my house, in the family room over the fireplace.  The old leaks started to give way, new ones started to form and I could no longer pretend that any of my patch jobs worked.

That old familiar feeling of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" creeped back in. I grabbed what I could, moved what I worried about getting wet and started sopping it up. My heart was weeping and I had to sop it up before it got too messy and before anyone would see.

As we all know, any good heart ache  needs wine.  So seconds before I cracked a bottle of sangria open, in a moment when I couldn't get the damn thing open fast enough....I felt like I couldn't sop up anymore.  I can't absorb anymore. I wanted to wave my white flag and tell the Universe "fine Biatch, you win".

Of course with a struggle I got the bottle open, I took a minute (and a swig or two) and I started checking the rest of the house for leaks (or as Cooper kept announcing "weaks"). Everything else was in its place.  All the other rooms were fine, dry and were completely unaware of what was going on in the family room.

 So I kept moved aside the things I wanted to keep safe, things I treasured, pieces I was going to renovate and refurbish, family portraits, hand me downs and hand made treasures. And while I moved the pieces of my heart to safety, I felt the pangs of loss.  Loss of a marriage, loss of security, loss of the dream of what my life would be like. But like I said, I lately felt a shift.  And in my shift I realized I could feel those things in one moment, accept it, feel it and then let IT move away so I could feel all those another things my heart longs for.

By then the roofer showed up, the workers helped patch the patches until the real roof is put up this week.  I attempted to sleep through the drips and drops in the buckets all night and today by the light of day....things are drying out.  

Or so I thought......this morning I heard...."uhhh...mommy...there's anober weak!!"  And sure enough another spot in the family room is leaking through the AC vent.

But like I said, the sun is out now and I already had the buckets and towels ready to go. This chinese fire drill reminded me I have what I need, my foundation is good, I just need to use my head and resources when my heart feels too weak. 

That feeling of being overwhelmed with patches has been replaced with the knowledge that I am armed with everything I need to heal my heart AND my home...I just think I need a good bottle of OPENED wine!

Sometimes I am not ok

Most days I feel what I think is "fine".  I feel ok.  I actually think I am happy again. It's just that some moments, on some days...I don't really think I am ok.  Usually, I think of loved ones I have lost recently and smile and move on. I think that their deaths are a part of the circle of life and I thank God for the beauty and strength I was able to take with me from participating in the death process for each of them.  

Watching my dad die of leukemia after only battling it 6 months, I learned about Faith.  My dad NEVER faltered in his walk of faith, if "the Big Man Upstairs" was calling him home "he wasn't going to disagree". I learned from that experience to relinquish control, to stop acting like I knew what I was doing and to "let go and let God'. Being 8 month pregnant at the time, I found comfort in my dad's steadfast faith, his acceptance of his place in the universe and I was proud to be the daughter of a man that knew who he was, what he wanted and who made no excuses for either of those things.  I was proud to have a son that I could also teach those life lessons to.

One year later I was with Hope.  Sitting on her sofa, telling her that God's time isn't our time and trying to convince myself that dying at the age of 36, leaving 2 small children behind was not ours to question but what was to be. We didn't understand why 6 years of cancer battles was her lot in life but it was and from Hope I learned grace. I learned to try to be still and let others around me come to their own conclusions . I learned to try to stop rambling my opinions loudly to create noise in uncomfortable silence. I learned to sit in the silence and try to enjoy the "small things".  Sitting by her bedside, watching each breath be a small victory, I vowed to never taking life for granted..... ever. I learned that life was about experiences, the good, the bad the ugly. That we are here on earth to experience them...hopefully we learn..... if not...and if we are lucky.....we get the chance at those life lessons again.

My grandfather's passing 5 months after Hope's and then my grandmother's 6 months after my grandfather's....by then...I was numb.  My grandparents were in their 90's. They wanted to die.  It was time, they were ready, they were waiting. I was lucky to have them for as long as I did and knew I had had plenty of time to prepare. 

 But this week I had to go help my mom with their house.  The site of the details of their lives, still there untouched as if the items where just expecting them to return from a vacation, hit hard.  I have been thinking....we have this ONE life, we get a set amount of days to do whatever we want to in those days. We love, we laugh, we move, we collect stuff. We think all kinds of things are really important when in hind sight they probably really aren't.  What do I want to do with my ONE life and how to I want to spend all those days and minutes that string together to make that life.  What will my legacy be?

This week my dear friend Jennifer is really struggling for her life as she at 38 years old battles melanoma.  This week I saw an episode of Oprah and the commercial for the countdown of the last show....and wanted to watch it with Hope and re-live our trip to Chicago to see Skid Boot the dog instead of John Travolta ( I know I have such luck). This week Cooper put a picture of Pop Pop holding him just after he was born in his room next to the Woody Disney picture...then he added a framed picture he stole of "Grandpa" to add next to the others now proudly displayed on his dresser. And in all those moments...I cried.  Maybe not at the exact moments, but I cried and now I feel like something in my universe shifted.

So I guess what I am saying is some moments in some days I am not ok.  Or maybe I am....I am sure this is normal, I think this is healthy.  I know that grief never leaves us and I know that grief pops up when you least expect it.

As I define my personal legacy, as I un-apologetically become the woman I was made to be, as I raise a boy to become a man at his full potential, along the way I will take the faith, the grace and the family legacy in my heart and hope that these days when I really wasn't ok..... I really was making great strides. 

(PS- The pics are some cell phone snapshots from my grandparent's house)