But I really don't move on, I just patch it up. I didn't FIX anything. So..in an effort to really "FIX" things, I bit the bullet and agreed to a new roof. And this week when the roofers came, ripped off the singles, informed me that the wood underneath was rotten almost to the trusses in some places....it decided to rain. And not just rain....pour. We haven't had rain in days of course.....and now we do. And then it rained, in my house. In the heart of my house, in the family room over the fireplace. The old leaks started to give way, new ones started to form and I could no longer pretend that any of my patch jobs worked.
That old familiar feeling of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" creeped back in. I grabbed what I could, moved what I worried about getting wet and started sopping it up. My heart was weeping and I had to sop it up before it got too messy and before anyone would see.
As we all know, any good heart ache needs wine. So seconds before I cracked a bottle of sangria open, in a moment when I couldn't get the damn thing open fast enough....I felt like I couldn't sop up anymore. I can't absorb anymore. I wanted to wave my white flag and tell the Universe "fine Biatch, you win".
Of course with a struggle I got the bottle open, I took a minute (and a swig or two) and I started checking the rest of the house for leaks (or as Cooper kept announcing "weaks"). Everything else was in its place. All the other rooms were fine, dry and were completely unaware of what was going on in the family room.
So I kept moved aside the things I wanted to keep safe, things I treasured, pieces I was going to renovate and refurbish, family portraits, hand me downs and hand made treasures. And while I moved the pieces of my heart to safety, I felt the pangs of loss. Loss of a marriage, loss of security, loss of the dream of what my life would be like. But like I said, I lately felt a shift. And in my shift I realized I could feel those things in one moment, accept it, feel it and then let IT move away so I could feel all those another things my heart longs for.
By then the roofer showed up, the workers helped patch the patches until the real roof is put up this week. I attempted to sleep through the drips and drops in the buckets all night and today by the light of day....things are drying out.
Or so I thought......this morning I heard...."uhhh...mommy...there's anober weak!!" And sure enough another spot in the family room is leaking through the AC vent.
But like I said, the sun is out now and I already had the buckets and towels ready to go. This chinese fire drill reminded me I have what I need, my foundation is good, I just need to use my head and resources when my heart feels too weak.
That feeling of being overwhelmed with patches has been replaced with the knowledge that I am armed with everything I need to heal my heart AND my home...I just think I need a good bottle of OPENED wine!