Sunday, October 30, 2011

Halloween Weekend and other ramblings

Having Halloween fall near a weekend rocks! You get to eat candy the whole weekend, fall into a sugar coma and not have to go to work the next day.  It's been great...also because on a weekend like this I hate to get out of my jammies.  So eating candy in my pj pants is the ultimate :)

Our tradition the last few years has been to go to a local Trunk or Treat at a church and this year again...they did not disappoint!

(please note Cpt Hook was "mean" for the end of the night pics. ...he says " like Hook" I say ..
.like tired and cranky)

What is most that my dear friend Jennifer lost her courageous battle with Melanoma on Friday and I just can't shake my heavy grief even now Sunday night.  One thing about  grief that I that it never leaves you.  EVER. (bold, underlined and caps people....EVER!) Once you have gone to that place of true loss, once those you love are gone from you forever, I know they say time heals all wounds... but they haven't for me yet.  My wounds get scabbed over but keep getting ripped off and feel fresh again.  I grieve all over again for all those that have gone before Jen who I miss.  Who she is with now and I am not.  Words don't comfort me..."praying you for" is nice but I am numb to other's compassion. My newest hate (NOW all 3-4 of you reading are sure to stop reading!) is October being "pink". I don't want a Mother "F"ing (yes I get that mad!) pink bagel at Panera!  I don't want to walk in a pink boa or tu tu for "survivors".  I don't know any. My friends and family are dead.  My friends remind me detection is key in breast cancer and we need to educate.  FINE but I don't want my cereal box with a pink ribbon!!  It REMINDS me they are gone.  All of those I lost to dad has nothing to do with breast cancer but it still is cancer and it really stings.  It rips open my wound and I am left crying in the cereal isle for Hope as I picture her in her "Making Strides" pink boa the year she "beat it." Before she got tongue cancer that the "practicing doctors" claimed was unrelated and died.  That pink ribbon really just pisses me off.  

So....I tell people "I am not in a good space".  That's all I can say really. blog my ramblings...terrible I know but I have made it the whole month with the pink EVERYTHING BLASTED THING and Jen's loss (FYI the melanoma ribbon is black) has like I usually say "taken me from teetering on the edge of a breakdown, right into one"

Sangria is now a staple at night.  The Halloween candy combination with the sangria in my NON RIBBON-ED pirate skull pjs with the draw string makes me happy.  That's all I hate me.  It's ok...I'd hate me too if I didn't know any better.

I know this place I am in I will move from.  I know I will change my mind, my feelings and my opinion a thousand more times in my lifetime. Each experience shapes me and I hope I continue to grow as I move through the grief stages (clearly I am in anger! ha) 

Tomorrow I may smile at the lady offering me to "donate a dollar and get a pink ribbon posted on the cash register for breast cancer" and nicely say  " no thanks" instead of what usually runs through my head before I grunt "no"....oh wait...November's right around the corner and tomorrow is Halloween...Ahhhhh...I get to forgive "pink" October month until next year.  Thank GOD! Because the pink dye in the bagel is probably giving everyone cancer anyway! :)

1 comment:

Myrtle's Mayhem said...

:) Rock the Esleeper girl!