The winds of change are starting to blow in my life. I have been trying....really hard..... to hear the whispers in my life. To be still, to get back that "knowing peace" I used to feel so easily deep down in my core that seems to have been blocked off or numbed somehow these past few years. It used to guide me, move me, but I can't hear it any more very well and when I do I have no idea what it is saying.
This post is no announcement, I have no news, I have no answers. I just feel the wind, blowing cool and softly, stirring up some thoughts and plans of change. I have a sign in my house...I have had it for years that says "Create the world you imagine" and it's my new mantra. I have this one life...what am I going to do with it? Well my friends...all 3 of you still reading this blog...I don't know but I know it's not this. I know it's WAY MORE than what I am settling for and have settled for.
Meredith knows for years that I am "fake". It's our joke. Winning friendliest in high school was when it started and I told her, I just act fake, I am really not friendly (truth be told as a true friend she may have called ME out on it!). If you know ME, the real ME, you love and get me. But as I have been taking Oprah's Lifeclasses on line one thing REALLY hit me hard was "When you don't show up as who you are, people fall in love with who you are not". Ponder that one for a while! I did and you know what...I GET THAT! I am who everyone else needs me to be when that situation suites me and more than often...them. I do it all the time, mostly at work and in my professional life but that is a pattern for me I think. Whoever others need me to be....even if I hate it, don't like it or completely disagree, I do it so it's easier on the other person. Not because I am a doormat but because I don't get hurt if I am not my true self. I am "untouchable" there...in the fakeness. Because it's not really me, or what I really am feeling. So I can stay detached in some way. But in that process, I never exercise or entertain my true passions, my true self is hidden away tucked away not being genuine.
So how's this for a deep post after light nothing posts for months??! HA
So...all this rambling to say...I am not being fake unless I HAVE to (work is NOT a place to test this out yet). So if you ask me how I am..I will tell you not good if I am not. If you need me to be ok so you are ok....sorry Charlies, I am not ok either. Go feel better from someone else. It's not mean, it's not rude...it's really ME. I am sharing this because I think of my true friends (yes the 3 or 4 of you still reading this) and you get this too. You Laurie NEVER have a problem with this so you are excluded! But we are unknowingly putting our own needs aside too many times in the day because we think it's easier, we'll do our thing later. But I am just starting to get that, that later day never comes. We are so busy "doing the right thing" we aren't doing what we really want. And maybe because our whispers scare us a little bit and it's hard to be who we really are.
So yes I am still rambling and again when I do this I never know if it makes sense but it does to me and this blog chronicles my life and Cooper's so...there it is. In black and white on line. I am struggling. Not in a bad way at all. In the best way of all! In a way where I have a ton of ideas, all exciting and new in my mind that I usually push off as not practical and ignore. But I guess I just now see a small light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like it's time to go knock people over and disregard anyone else's opinion and starting running like hell toward it...with Cooper jogging beside me, basking in the glory of the new unknown light!
Wish me luck and after writing this I feel like maybe grab a jacket...the winds of change may whip ya around!