Saturday, December 6, 2008


Yesterday Hope woke up with determination to go to hospice at the hospital (not home), to see her boys and to become DNR, not getting any of the chemo or drugs to control the tumors. I don't blame her, enough is enough I can hear her saying.

Rob and I ran over to the hospital with Christmas stuff and Rochelle and I decorated the room before the boys came to see her. I had a hard time untangling the lights through my tears so it's quite a makeshift tree, funny how you can't mess up Christmas decorations....once lit up...everything looks great. The boys brought her presents from the gift shop and told their mommy they loved her and to feel better. You can see my little tree in the background of this picture below. Reese didn't want to be on camera as you can see.

Just then you think you can't get more emotional...oh you can. I also broke down while being a witness to her living will yesterday. How can it be that 13 years ago I was Hope and Jake's maid of honor..witnessing their marriage license and now my same signature is a witness to her living will? I pictured my self 13 years ago in that Alfred Angelo dress Hope loved so much for us girls and picked out with such enthusiasm, curls in my pin straight hair and no clue cancer would take those I love from me.

The Chaplin came for a while and sat with Hope and Jake for a really good visit. I talked to the Chaplin as well for about 1/2 hour in the hallway..nothing like a sweet nun from the order of Sisters of Mercy to make this catholic school girl melt.

Alot of family and friends will be there today so I pray to do "normal" things with Rob and Cooper this weekend while the others get their private time with Hope.

I feel so helpless while I am with her, bringing her juice, watching her sleep etc. Then she does a small gesture like stroking my cheek when she sees me or reaches out for me to tell me she loves me. Then, I remember that every second we have left together is priceless.

1 comment:

Anna said...

Thank you, for everything.