Dazed and Confused

This pic is one of my new recent pics....look how Cooper and Christopher are like"wait, you have my Barney...no..that's my Barney!"...what? Dazed and Confused...that's me these days.

This weekend Jen was here and she had a great visit with Hope but had to say goodbye and catch her flight back home this afternoon. I know she was glad she came to see Hope and Hope had such a smile on her face I heard to see her! Lifelong girlfriends are such a gift.

Last night we drank Sangria spritzers and ate pasta ( my two favorite comfort items!) Jake even came over and attempted to watch the recorded PATS game with Rob (before the game Jake caught the ending of the movie the Cutting Edge..can you believe it was on tv last night Meredith?) Cooper has a slight cold/fever again so Rob and I were in and out of the room most of the night trying to get Cooper down to sleep. I am hoping to wake up tomorrow and get out of the dazed and confused feeling I have had the last week or so. I hate the "foggy brain" feeling and today I pulled up to the wrong side of the gas pump to get gas for the car...I feel a bit out of sorts.

I hope to get some Christmas cards done and out this weekend. Rob got a tree tonight even though we swore we wouldn't do one this year. After all this, I felt like I needed the tree as comfort somehow...I am sure I'll change my mind tomorrow after Cooper tries to rip it down!

Happy 1st bday Grant!

Hospice

Yesterday Hope woke up with determination to go to hospice at the hospital (not home), to see her boys and to become DNR, not getting any of the chemo or drugs to control the tumors. I don't blame her, enough is enough I can hear her saying.

Rob and I ran over to the hospital with Christmas stuff and Rochelle and I decorated the room before the boys came to see her. I had a hard time untangling the lights through my tears so it's quite a makeshift tree, funny how you can't mess up Christmas decorations....once lit up...everything looks great. The boys brought her presents from the gift shop and told their mommy they loved her and to feel better. You can see my little tree in the background of this picture below. Reese didn't want to be on camera as you can see.

Just then you think you can't get more emotional...oh you can. I also broke down while being a witness to her living will yesterday. How can it be that 13 years ago I was Hope and Jake's maid of honor..witnessing their marriage license and now my same signature is a witness to her living will? I pictured my self 13 years ago in that Alfred Angelo dress Hope loved so much for us girls and picked out with such enthusiasm, curls in my pin straight hair and no clue cancer would take those I love from me.

The Chaplin came for a while and sat with Hope and Jake for a really good visit. I talked to the Chaplin as well for about 1/2 hour in the hallway..nothing like a sweet nun from the order of Sisters of Mercy to make this catholic school girl melt.

Alot of family and friends will be there today so I pray to do "normal" things with Rob and Cooper this weekend while the others get their private time with Hope.

I feel so helpless while I am with her, bringing her juice, watching her sleep etc. Then she does a small gesture like stroking my cheek when she sees me or reaches out for me to tell me she loves me. Then, I remember that every second we have left together is priceless.

Walking!

After his bath tonight, Cooper decided..."hey..I can walk on my own without holding on to anything!"..and now he won't stop! A great ending to another tough day. Thanks to all his cousins who coached him last week, looks like the lessons paid off. What's the family average age to walk? 14 months I think is kinda late but I am not complaining.

Update

Just because I can see from the traffic everyone is looking for some info on Hope...I thought I would quickly post.

Today she got the feeding tube and tomorrow will get her first feedings and some drugs to help with the tumor. She wanted her hair washed and blow dried so her personality is sneaking out from behind the wall of the drugs...it has been nice to see glimpses of Hope throughout the day. I even helped her with ice cream yesterday...what a treat! The boys are in their normal routine and still live in a world where they haven't heard the word cancer....Jake is bravely preparing his speech for them and is taking it day by day to decide when to sit them down.

Jake is also working on getting her strong enough to bring her home, get hospice and take each day they have been given on what must feel like borrowed time.

I will be sitting with her tomorrow while Jake tends to a work issue he can't miss so I will pass on every ones well wishes if she is up to hearing them. She is keenly aware of the situation, as doctors can't answer her questions of "how much time". Hope is (as we all should do) living in each moment as she is given.

I know they appreciate all the love and prayers.

Hope

To my dear friend on your birthday....there are no words to type. I know from your hospital bed today you can't read this but know that I love you very much.

Thanksgiving 2008

(click on the collage enlarge)

We had a great couple of days visiting in Orlando with family. Disney as you can see from all the pictures was perfect. We had fantastic weather, happy kids, no stress...it was truly a "magical day". Cooper loved his cousins (and Jamie too...Taylor's boyfriend) more than Mickey and we all managed to work our way through the crowds for the day. Cooper fell asleep waiting to see Mickey and loved both parades we saw.

Funny Rob moments of the day that make me love him more: 1) Rob trying to navigate the stroller on the tram and then announcing he's a first time dad at Disney so loud so everyone could hear and cut him a break 2) Rob dropping a hot dog on a child waiting for the parade to start...mustard, ketchup and all the fixin's right on the little girls sweater....in his defense he did help the mom clean it up 3) Rob not knowing it's "Jimeny Cricket" not "Jimmy the Cricket"...that one still has me laughing so hard! I was not so happy at the beginning of the day as I dropped and cracked my camera so...thank God for Robin and her love of photos! I could relax and know she was capturing everything the past 2 days. She took amazing pictures and even others I didn't share here that we plan to use for our Christmas card.

Thursday we shared Thanksgiving together just relaxing, visiting and celebrating Britany's 18th bday and Christopher's 3rd bday. Robin has more pics on her blog. Just click here.

We are truly thankful for our family and friends and missed those of you we didn't get to celebrate with. We hope you all had a blessed day where you were.

Disney World!